Talking about sex requires a level of intimacy, frankness and vulnerability that not many are comfortable with. How should you broach the subject and tell your long-term partner that you want something different in bed without hurting his feelings? Here are tips to guide you through the conversation:
Don’t do it right after sex
Talking about your dissatisfaction with your sex life right after the act will only cause complications. Discussing it in a neutral setting like during dinner or while taking a walk together may offer softer padding.
If you feel awkward about doing it face-to-face, you could try emailing instead. But be frank—explain how you felt awkward about discussing it in person and thought writing would make it easier for you to tell him what you want done differently in your sex life. Writing about it will you time to frame your thoughts better and will also give him time to think over what you’ve said.
Another handy option is using a self-help book about sex and sticking post-its on pertinent pages that you’d like him to read. Leave notes like, ‘I was feeling embarrassed to talk about it, but this is what I’d like to try next time’, so he knows it’s not a complaint but a request.
Open with ‘I love you’
Begin with positive affirmations, to make sure he doesn’t misunderstand your intent. Never open with complaints or use language that indicates you’re blaming him. For example, saying ‘You don’t put effort into sex anymore’ is a definite no-no. Instead, say things like, ‘It feels like you’re not enjoying sex anymore’ or ‘I want to feel more connected with you’. Talk about how you feel rather than ascribing blame or projecting your emotions onto him.
Take your time to prepare
For some, gathering the nerve to have such an intimate conversation takes more than one try. That’s okay. If you lost your nerve the first time round, try again. It helps to practise what you plan to say. Also, decide beforehand how and when you want to have the conversation. If you still feel too awkward to broach the subject, it could signal other issues in your relationship that need to be dealt with. Think about visiting a sex therapist to help you break through the walls and learn to have these discussions openly with your partner.
Talking about your dissatisfaction with your sex life right after the act will only cause complications. Discussing it in a neutral setting like during dinner or while taking a walk together may offer softer padding.
If you feel awkward about doing it face-to-face, you could try emailing instead. But be frank—explain how you felt awkward about discussing it in person and thought writing would make it easier for you to tell him what you want done differently in your sex life. Writing about it will you time to frame your thoughts better and will also give him time to think over what you’ve said.
Another handy option is using a self-help book about sex and sticking post-its on pertinent pages that you’d like him to read. Leave notes like, ‘I was feeling embarrassed to talk about it, but this is what I’d like to try next time’, so he knows it’s not a complaint but a request.
Open with ‘I love you’
Begin with positive affirmations, to make sure he doesn’t misunderstand your intent. Never open with complaints or use language that indicates you’re blaming him. For example, saying ‘You don’t put effort into sex anymore’ is a definite no-no. Instead, say things like, ‘It feels like you’re not enjoying sex anymore’ or ‘I want to feel more connected with you’. Talk about how you feel rather than ascribing blame or projecting your emotions onto him.
Take your time to prepare
For some, gathering the nerve to have such an intimate conversation takes more than one try. That’s okay. If you lost your nerve the first time round, try again. It helps to practise what you plan to say. Also, decide beforehand how and when you want to have the conversation. If you still feel too awkward to broach the subject, it could signal other issues in your relationship that need to be dealt with. Think about visiting a sex therapist to help you break through the walls and learn to have these discussions openly with your partner.
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